FKFIC-L War 10

Time: Wednesday, 25 August

Place: The Fiendish Glow

Follows: Lucius' and Nicolas' Big Adventure

[The Fiendish Glow, Monday, 16 August, some time between 0400 and 0600 Eastern Daylight Time]

I, Nicolas de Bearbant, being of fiberfill mind and hungry... hmm... where's my bottle. Ah, there it is. GULP GULP GULP AAAaaahhhhhh!!!! Now, where was I? Oh, right. I was at home, right in there with the mortal-type bears, and someone came and grabbed me and put me in a box before I could taste him. I know it was a him -- it smelled like a him and walked like a him. Then he stuffed lots of Brenda's clothes on top of me so I couldn't get a snack off of him :(  Ex-CUUUUSSSE me, but if you're going to stuff me somewhere, you've got to at least give me a snack. A live snack, none of this... bottled stuff*.

[Hey, Brenda! the bottle's empty again!]

Well, I don't know how long I was in the box, but I only have one reserve bottle and its, like, y'know, not nearly enough for a short trip, let alone a long one. This one was longer than the time I went to Boston, and I didn't even get to ride in an airplane. From what I could tell, I was stuck somewhere with a lot of trucks and chemicals and diesel fumes. Yuck!!

[Get to the point, Nicolas. I don't have all day.]

[The point? I have two points, right here -- would you like to feel them?]

[You will not bite me.]

[Aww.. and after all I did for you, too :(  ]

[Back to the story?]

[Oh, right, the story.]

Well, of course I'm too smart to spend my time in a box not trying to find my way out of there... unfortunately, the humans closed it too tight for that. Well, at least I didn't get any stray light rays in there... but I wouldn't suggest it as a mode of travel for anybeardy...

Friday, 13 August?
Finally, I think, I got whereever this man wanted me to go to, and this woman answers the door. Does she smell sweet! Her blood smells like cactus blossoms and Margaritas, yum! Wonder if she'll let me take a taste? Boy, am I ever hungry... I think it was Friday, 'cos she was going around yelling "War" all over the place, and Brenda said the war began on Friday. I'm still waiting for someone to give me a properly-sized sword and lance so I can help out.

Well, she came in for me again in the mid-afternoon, it seems. She came for me! The cactus-lady! MMMmmmm! Food at last! I could hardly wait. She loosened the box just enough for me to fly out and hug her. I like to hug my snacks before I taste them, makes 'em taste sweeter, you know? almost like honey? So what does she do? She hits me square in the jaw, she does. Owwww! that hurted! Well, she hurt her wrist in the process. Serves her right! She taught me a whole bunch of new words, though... gotta find time to try'em out on everyone...

A while later, Brenda came and scolded me for snacking, said they had stuff for us undead types. It was bottled stuff, nothing spectac. I mean, it wasn't bad for bottled, but you know, fresh always tastes a lot better :) So I took a bite from her, too :) Variety in diet makes unlife worth living, sometimes. I look forward to having a harem...

Sunday, 15 August.
I spent most of the weekend looking over the stuff at The Fiendish Glow. I never did get to meet up with any other vampbears, though :(  I got to fiddle with the karaoke machine when nobody was looking, and I got to play with Brenda's plaide when she wasn't wearing it... hmm... I think I cut a striking figure in a breaccan feile, even if I do say so myself... Chris, d'ya think you c'n teach me how to wrap this danged thing?!

[*Rummage, rummage, try to find opening, rummage, rummage, get tangled, rummage, rummage, fall down*]

[Chris isn't here right now -- remember? We don't know where he went off to.]

[Oh. C'n I chomp Heather then? CanIcanIcanIcanI?]

[She's missing, too.]

[#@%*&#$%%@%*$!!!!!]

[Where did you learn that word?]

[Pen. Who else?]

By the way, the cactus-lady is called "Pen". Why they call her a writing instrument, I'll never know... but her hair is the color of the ink in the fountain pens that Brenda refuses to let me touch :(  (I like scribbling with fountain pens, thank you! Brenda insists that it stains my fur. Grrrrrr....)

Oh, yeah. I got to play on the Internet when Pen and Brenda weren't looking. I noticed they have some kewl places where you can order live ratsies to eat :) Personally, I prefer brunettes to ratsies; somehow, the rats don't quite have enough spunk...

Monday, 16 August.
I guess I won't be wearing the breaccan feile any more. Brenda took her plaide back and yelled at me for getting fang marks and blood stains on it.

[Not to mention all the ink stains from those permanent magic markers you found in my desk drawer that I told you not to go through.]

[I didn't open it, honest -- it was Lucius the cat.]

[Don't give me that BS, Nicolas. You have the tell-tale marks on your paws to prove it.]

[Do not! *licks inky forepaw* Yuck!]

[Lemme get some alcohol and see if that will work.]

[Alcohol? that's almost as bad as garlic!]

[If you didn't get your paws into the ink, I wouldn't be trying to get you clean, now would I?]

[Aww, you're no fun. *chomp*]

[OUCH!]

Tuesday, August 17
I forgot to mention I got another couple of Bimbos for my Pit yesterday.
MacHeather smells of heather and cloves, with lots of heather honey. She's a redhead, though, and redheads have always been a little too spicy for my tastes. *sigh* Sukh is mysterious; I can't figure out where she's from or what she eats 'cos she's such a blend of stuff -- though in the end, I think she smells mostly of her friend Ro-roy-the-lay-us-boy...

[That's "Roy, Roy, the Buff Slave Boy"... and he's her, umm, massage therapist.]

[Now look who's giving who the BS. Why would she want him to give her a massage when I'm around?]

[Because you would plop down on her and do things that are forbidden in a PG-13 War -- like, um, drain her.]

[Would not!]

[Would too.]

[Not!]

[Too!]

[Not!not!not!]

[Too!too!too!]

***transcriber's note: Did anyone here ever wonder why I also consider myself a Pit of Condemned Bimbos Survivalist (PoCBS)???

[Back to my story, wench!]

[Grrrrrrr.]

Wednesday, August 18
I got to see Heather's himbo, Chris, all sloshed up on Scotch :)  Seems he likes making himself high-proof so Heather can get a buzz biting him :)  Makes sweeter blood for me, eh? (Oh, @%$^#*$@!! I'm beginning to sound like these Canadians...)

[Nicolas, this is a PG-13 war. Cussing and biting are not allowed.]

[Then how am I supposed to feed?]

[You have two bottles.]

[That's not even a meal. Besides, I didn't even write down half of the other things they did that night...]

[Like argue?]

Looks like Chris also has this Braveheart thing going. I wonder if I'll be able to gather some goodies at the end of the film, when he gets --

[Nicolas! Don't go there.]

Thursday, August 19
Got stuck up in the upstairs rooms with Lucius while they deratted downstairs. Spent the time trying to get Brenda's plaide clean again... could somebeardy please tell me why the washing machine eats clothing? After the fiftieth washing, I couldn't even use it as flashes for the kilt hose I don't have (hint, Brenda, hint, hint!)... I tried to wash Lucius too, but he wouldn't stop playing with those dirty rats :(  I really tried. I even made sure to put the wash cycle on "hot" to make sure he got really clean. I don't think Lucius likes me... I had fun playing with the karaoke again... you should've seen the look on Chris's face when Pen started singing my "Three Drunk Celts" song.

[your song? YOUR song?]

[Yup. Whobeardy do you think taught it to Pen?]

Saturday, 21 August
I think MacHeather likes me! She invited me to go help out with her bridal shower :) Do you know what that means? Free FOOD! All sorts of food! Blondes, brunettes, redheads.... YUM*!!!!!!!

Sunday, 22 August
Remind me never to believe a redhead. There were too many feet around for me to be able to get to the food -- and to top it off, MacHeather locked me in a cage like she did to Lucius. I knew there was a reason I didn't like redheads...

... Then I think I'm finally gonna get some time to run around the place and try to scrounge up some food, and they tell me we're going off to the shrine. What's a shrine, and why do I feel so uncomfortable about it?

Monday, 23 August
It looks like this "Shrine" is a sort of a preChristian church. I don't like churches; I'm a vamp. So I start looking for some wheels to blow the place, y'know? Turns out they're having this sort of "road rally" -- in broad daylight, of all things! Couldn't get outside the Shrine for beans. Doncha just love it... And worst of all, the whole pantry was outside, in the sunlight, playing games. I amSOincensed... hmm... what's that I smell? Is it? Is it? Could it be?????

!!!!!!!!!!!BARBECUE!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's got to be lots of food there, no?

Tuesday, 24 August
The "barbecue" was a fake volcano :( and then we got snowed on. By birds -- white, fluffy birds, of all things... Attacked by land, attacked by air... could killer sharks be next? HELP!!!!!!!!
Getmeouttahere!!!!

By the way, MacHeather never came back last night. I hope she didn't get barbecued or anything -- it would ruin the exquisite taste of her honeyed-heather blood. (Yes, I took a sip -- just before she asked me to go to the bridal shower with her  :) :) :) :) :)   ) Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to start laying some bimbo traps....

...Oops. Forgot. I'm still stuck in this stupid cage. I gotta get outta here first... but if MacHeather isn't here to let me out... HELP!!!!!
GETMEOUTTAHERE!!! HELP!!!!!!

[You're okay, Nicolas. You're safe here, at The Fiendish Glow.]

[Sorry. Post-dramatic stress syndrome. *CHOMP*]

[OUCH!]

Well, if that weren't all, then that cat decides that I'm one of his toys. First he locks an overgrown rat in my cage who won't let me turn around to bite him and who keeps trying to eat me for dinner, then he drags me out in his teeth, drools all over me, and gets me dirty on the floor -- and dumps me in the closet. Excuse me, I've been in that asylum more than five minutes, I need foo-ood! Only thing in the closet (besides shoes that were too big to wear and too small to hide in and smelled of dirty feet) were some old, leaky pens and a stash of litterbox paper. Ugh. Pheeeewwww! Well, since it didn't look like I was going to get to go anywhere for a while, I figured I ought to start recording my experiences for posterity. And writing a couple of distress notes, too, just in case...  just in case I end up having to snack off of Lucius. (Cats are worse than rats, in my opinion -- they taste like bile -- barely useful for breakfast, but only when dogs and rats aren't available.)

Finally, Sukh finds us... with Roy the Royal "lay us" boy--

[That's "Roy, Roy, the--"]

[Yeah, I know, I know, but this is my story, and I'll tell it my way]

[Not if it gets both of us banned from posting in this War because we needed to add an ADULT: header, you won't.]

[Oh, yeah? Who's going to stop me? I have the Administrator password, you know.]

[WHAT?!?!?!?!]

[How d'ya think I was able to order those two dozen brunettes from the "Addict of the War Club" on your Platinum card?]

[You... WHAT*?!?!?! I don't have a Platinum card.]

[Now you do. The bills should start arriving oh, about a week after we get back to New York.]

[You are so dead....]

[*CHOMP*]

[OUCH!!]

[Back to the story!]

[@$^%#*!!!!]

[You don't cuss nearly as prettily as Pen does. She can do it in twenty languages, you know :)  ]

[@*#&@(*&^$$@@#@!!!#(#(@*(*A*^^$^#@@!!!!!!]

[That's better :)  ]

[|| rolling eyes || Ursus Theodoris, domesticus, vampiricus!]

[You ring?]

[Grr-r-r-rrrrr-rrrrrr!!!!!]

Well, anyway, the sitch is like, intolerable, y'know -- Lucius watching me like a prison guard... and she favors him... imagine, preferring a cat to a vampbear! Well, I'm hungry and she's occupied with the cat, maybe she won't notice if I take a bite...

Whoa!!! I'm not sure if I like this or not... You know the "pony rides" kids take on their father's feet? Well, I got one, and I wasn't prepared for it... try eating in the saddle one day... I guess it was ok in the end 'cos then she realized I was there, and she took me back home so I could get this rat fuzz off me...

Wednesday, 25 August
MacHeather has been missing since Monday night. Sukh and Brenda say that's why Lucius and I were left alone in the Shrine. (Good thing Sukh and Lay-Us Boy rescued us.) Brenda says neither MacHeather nor Chris the Kilted Wonder have been seen since Monday night. Is Chris maybe related to the Lay-Us Boy???? Or perhaps he's been taken in by that "Nunkumpoopies"--

[It's "Nunkies".]

[Well, Chris calls him "Nunkumpoopies".]

[Just because Chris calls him that-- ]

[C'mon, it's my story!]

[*sigh* very well...]

--as well. Pen said something about Father Andrew looking smug when Brenda asked everyone at the Glow about them... but then Pen thinks everyone looks smug. (*sticking snout straight up in the air*) Hah!

Anyway, Brenda said something about a seeking ritual and let me and Lucius into Heather's room. She made it smell real funny, though... I don't think Lucius liked that 'cos he was sneezing all night. But y'know, I think that worked even better than the hot-water bath, 'cos except for the snot and hairballs and all, he came out of it brand-spanking white and glowing :)  On the other hand, the next morning, Brenda looked like she'd eaten box of glow-in-the-dark glowsticks... I tried to chomp her afterwards, but she tasted awful -- and now my eyes and fangs glow in the dark.
AAAUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

[I told you not to try it, but NOooooo, you just had to get your fangs in there...]

[Cut the sarcasm, Brenda. It's bad enough my fangs glow in the dark.]

[Calm down; it'll only last a couple of days.]

Then she said it didn't work, 'cos they weren't in the land of the Faer, but we might be able to get some friends to help us find them if we went out to the park tomorrow night. I've got a bad feeling about this...

[Calm down, Nicolas. You'll be just fine.]

[I'm a vampbear. I don't do religion.]

[*chuckle*]

[Honest, I don't. Not even "Bearish". I fang Christmas balls as a matter of principle.]

[Ah, so it's you who's been destroying the gifts I've been making!]

[Ah, no, um, I didn't mean, oh, AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!#@*&^*&^%*@^%$!@!!!!!]

[Is that the end of it?]

[What?]

[Your story.]

[My journal.]

[Whatever.]

[Well, I can't tell you what hasn't happened yet.]

[Doh. So?]

[I reserve the right to add onto this as the rest of the War transpires.]

[Fine. Whatever. Let's see if Pen, the boys, or the Addicts have found something...]